The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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