Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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