Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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