I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
