she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
