Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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