Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
