K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
