So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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