I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
