Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't turn off my feet"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
