when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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