remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
