did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
