How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
