Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
