all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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