I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
