Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
