Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
