Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
