That's intense
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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