hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
