I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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