My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize
