Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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