Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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