Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
