Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
