yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
