I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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