Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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