wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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