Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
