Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
