come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't deserve a penis
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
