Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
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you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
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Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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