The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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