I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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