I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
