i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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