My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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