My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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