She is in my trunk
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
