there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
