dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
