I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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