He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
