I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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