He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
