You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
