I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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